temris

This won’t be really cohesive. I’m just really angry at rich people, generative AI, and why the new generation feels like doing anything but actually using their minds to think. For once.

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I've never really had a romantic crush, but lately I've been going through a serious friendship crush. Although I'm still not sure if it's really the case.

There's a girl (1) that I really want to get to know more, but I don't want to push myself on anybody. Now that I'm typing this here, I realized that there's not much that I know about her; so maybe it's only because of that? But she seems really kind and nice, and I've helped her during PC class and she was so nice AHH IDK! 😭

THE THING IS -- From the first week or the second, I wanted to get more familiar with another artist (2) in my class. I've beaten my anxiety and initiated the first conversation by asking about her art (that is really pretty). I thought we hit off quite well, but for the next days she didn't even say "hello" to me; in contrast to the other few I talk to.

And when things like this happen, I always blame myself. Is that me being demanding unfairly? But she always says that she's an introvert; but I feel like she just... doesn't know how to "care" about people. Or maybe, I'm just not a person she sees at that level yet? Things like these have occupied my mind for so long lately.

I guess it just shows one thing: It was only me who wanted that to become a friendship. Every little talk we've had (maybe full on four times 😂) I was the one who initiated those. How embarrassing to be the one to try so hard...😔

Anyway -- because of this failed ignition of a friendship attempt, I'm more wary of initiating conversations with the people I find interesting in class; mainly the girl (1) I talked in the beginning. There's another guy "acquaintance" who's really nice too. I'd love to call him a friend, but I try not to get too pushy the same way. He's sort of shy and I am too, so we can't talk much HAHA! I don't know if that makes me seem like I don't care, but I just don't want to bother anybody... 😭 I thought I annoyed him last week because we didn't speak a word between each other for a full on week, and it was like a weight was taken off my shoulders when he greeted me a few mornings ago LOL. I'm thinking too much.

How do you deal with these friendship crushes if you've had any? And how do you try again?

Tomorrow is Friday, and it will mark the end of my first week at my new university. It went by as I expected: me being shy to ask to join the class' chat group (which I still haven't managed to join in), professors asking us to buy expensive books, my butt aching after sitting at the wooden seats, and I'm coughing -- probably caught a cold again! 🤦‍♀️

But, in many ways, I realized I've also changed a bit. In my high school, I mostly was silent in classes, but now I realize those classes were about things I wasn't very interested in, or I wasn't very good at. I find myself constantly engaging in classes now that they're centered around things I enjoy: language and literature! I also try to voice up my opinions even in things I don't think I'm very good at.

I also try to open conversations with anyone near me. It backfired once already (when I tried to explain the school's material sharing system to someone) but I'm trying to gather up my courage as often as possible these days, I'm not going to give up.

On Saturday there'll be online classes and I still don't know how that operates... 😭 And the handful of my classmates I have the contact information of, they also didn't know. We are going to be in shambles this weekend.

Anyway... In other news, I tidied up the story I'm writing a bit more. Before doing that, I tried to get my attention to something else to clear up my mind. I've been thinking about an WW1 AU for Chris/Leon for months, and I went and wrote a little starting point of a fic last week. (I'm now blocked at a point, so after that I went back to my original story HAHA :D) I hope I can finish that one before the year ends, because I think it has really good potential. Initially, when I had thought of it the first time, I think I checked if there were any fics like that, and I believe there might be some? Not sure... I don't want to read any, because then I usually think I might accidentally draw too many inspirations from those works.

I'm opening the book for education once again after many years. From the beginning of this year, until about the half of May; I put myself through a very intensive studying schedule. I'm not going to lie, I didn't do a half-bad. Like I mentioned it on here before, I only studied for TYT and I think my rank was alright for studying that short of a period.

Choosing the major was harder than studying, like it was for me many years ago where I went through the same path. "Computer Programming", a two-year online course with full scholarship -- that was my intention from the start; from the first time I actually started studying for the exam again, I told myself it would be the best diploma for me. I tried getting into programming, but it was more of a hobby for me and I couldn't pursue it long enough -- the constant financial worries often block me from getting into anything.

Well... That's literally why I put on my mind to get a diploma after all.

I mean, in this day of age, and in my country, it's hard to get a job that's not a work that should be done by three different people, or a proper wage for the hours you put in; but I could only do translating jobs for a foreign company because in here, everyone asks for you to graduate from a university. So I said "f--- this life of misery, I'm going to get that diploma". We'll see if I can manage it and not drop out in the first week like before !! 😂

That's right... In the end, I chose "English Language Teaching". Quite different from where I started, and I could have gotten into the programming one very easily. I changed my mind at the very last second and wrote in the closest school to my accomodation. One of the reasons why I hated going to my old university was that it took me about 2 hours of traffic, WITH PUBLIC TRANSPORT MIGHT I ADD, to reach there!

Another reason is because computer programming would not be too different from what I already do -- I have to work as a freelancer before getting into a company, making some projects on my own to build my CV, my name and also to practice too. And it's been long ago that I actually had that kind of luxury, where I can spend time freely. I've filled my quota on that one.

ELT sounded the most logical (after I literally ate my brains out for two weeks) because even if I can't make it to the public schools after graduating, I can maybe work for private schools or weekend courses at the very least -- I know the conditions won't even compare to the ones I would get from public ones but at least... I'll have a bit of financial securicy; I want to hope for that.

I won't lie. Being the anxious wreck I am, I'm so scared to start over with so many strangers around me. Not to mention, most of those strangers are going to be teenagers -- I'm too old for this! 😭 Every day, I think that I'm not built for this. But I don't have much choice, because I had about enough of this household. THIS IS FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH!!

So yeah... Wish me luck :P

(I really can't imagine myself as a teacher! 😭 Maybe I'll try for interpreting for a while too... We'll see, we'll see...)